Needless to say, with increased volume there will be an ineluctable reduction in quality (and length). So let's just start by scraping the bottom of the barrel and bring the level of discourse down as low as possible with some four-letter-word humor!
I hate Twitter on principle, but this particular fount of tweets has provided the humor to get me through a month-long slog of job applications: shitmydadsays. The description is simple:
I'm 29. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says.
It's basically a collection of quotes from a real-life incarnation of George Kostanza's dad. Some of my favorite gems:
Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.
Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked.
That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them.
You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.
I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept.
The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2
Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies.
(watching the Little League World Series) These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat.
You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit.
Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.
My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up.
(left on answering machine) Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it.
I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine.
Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.
To state the obvious, I dig this website.
1 comment:
If he were a character in a novel, this guy would sell books. Proves you can do character development without described action. Just let the guy talk.
We want to know what he will say next and we would be turning those pages to see.
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